Do it Afraid

“I just don’t know what I’m doing.” I admitted, in defeat. “I just don’t know what I want.”

“You don’t know what you want?” She repeated. I nodded. “...in terms of school.” She added- trying to complete a sentence I already meant to be complete. I just shrugged. 

“I think the majority of young 20 somethings do not know what they want or what they are doing.” 

Great, so we are all in the sinking boat together. 

“But, I think you are the minority.” 

And as I sat in my 4 hour saturday morning math class the following day daydreaming, I realized- she was right. I know exactly what it is I want and that is precisely why it is so hard for me. 

I want years of countless House of Hope stories. I want tales of families coming together, children laughing, fears and pasts overcome. I want to bare witness to new paths, new lives, celebration and heartache. I want to see God reach thousands through the people plants of House of Hope. I want to see a dream that started as a mustard seed explode into something unforgettable. I want to follow God’s path. I want to chase the visions. I want to create a legacy. 

But, I also want to be putting on a cap and gown in 4 months along with the rest of you. I want to be applying to grad schools. I want to be starting exciting internships. I want a stable income in sight. I want that specific sense of accomplishment. But I am not there. I am not even close because I made my path look a little different.

I am in the trenches. I am scrolling through instagram watching you all start your last semester. I am fighting off stigmas. Society tells me that is where I am suppose to be- in line for my diploma. Picking out an internship. Applying to a grad school. That is where I am suppose to be. And I, well I probably tell myself that as well. 

I took off a year after high school and it made some people nervous. Once you take a year off it is said you have less of a chance of going back. I did end up going  back, but at the same time, God called me into a trailer park. God put neighbors I had never met on my heart and I dropped some classes to invest in those relationships. I fell in love with the man some people will spend their whole lives searching for and I dropped some more classes to marry him. Now- I have a husband and a nonprofit that I prioritize over that diploma. So, when it comes down to it, given the choice-which I am (everyday)- I will choose my marriage and I will choose House of Hope and I will choose again and again God’s dreams for me. But knowing that does not completely stop the longing for the life of the crowd. Some people I believe are born to go against the grain, they get life out of choosing a path less traveled, standing out and being different. Some people strive to make a scene. I am not one of those people. I take comfort standing in the back of the crowd where no one can see me. I take comfort in sure steps and well tested paths. Sometimes I will yell at God for not allowing me that. I will be honest and say that a lot of the time I do not enjoy the unconventional path. But somehow at my core, this is still what I want. A dynamic I have yet to fully understand about myself. 

So for my dreamers, path blazers, trend setters and risk takers- all of you who know what you want-but also secretly maybe want a little of what is normal, to stand sometimes in the same line as your peers- I think perhaps that is okay. I think sometimes knowing what you want is a lot harder than not knowing what you want. Knowing you want the unknown means you have to actively decide to take those steps. You can acknowledge you are afraid, but then you have to choose to do it anyways. This must be what Jesus meant when he said following Him would not be the easy path. However, when my home fills with my neighbors and the stories and the tears and the laughs all start pouring out, I also know what He meant by it will be worth it. 

-Brooke